This has been published in the ISBA’s Bursar’s Review summer edition 2013.
Nigel Aylwin-Foster tells the story of a day in the life of Colonel Punch, Bursar at Fandangle Hall School as he tries to save money on energy bills. After a very frustrating day, Colonel Punch finally works out how to cut costs and he shares his revelations here.
Schemes, hints, and innuendos…
Colonel (Retired) James Punch OBE drew the Ferrari slowly into his parking space outside Fandangle Hall School. As he stepped gingerly out of the car, smoothing back his shock of red hair, his eyes took in once more the scene; an old Victorian main building, with successive add-ons, each betraying the architectural fads of the time. “How did they ever get away with that concrete dining hall?” he wondered, as he walked towards the Bursary. He noticed that the lights were on in LHVI, even though it was nearing the longest day. “There’s work to be done here”, he thought.
He entered the Bursary. The day was just beginning…
Punch was an Old Fandanglian himself and the fifth serviceman to be bursar there. The school seemed to make a tradition of it. But he was no ordinary bursar. Of course he had all the usual attributes of any bursar, whatever their origin – ultra calm in a crisis, a head for figures, a multi-tasker, a pragmatic organiser, handy with a drill or chainsaw if need be, sartorial elegance, modest to a fault, and a phenomenal work-rate combined with a balanced approach to delegation – meaning that like so many other bursars he was able to knock-off at 4pm every day, having cleared his in-tray, first, second and third pending trays and his overflow-parking tray, in order to head off to the nets to assist in coaching the school first XI. He was, of course, a former Army cricketer.
But in addition to this workaday list of typical bursarly talents he had also spent several years on ‘hush-hush’ operations at home and abroad, where he had worked alongside some very interesting characters and acquired some ‘additional’ skills. And now, only six weeks into his appointment, these were proving handy, as some strange things had been happening at Fandangle Hall School – things going missing, accidents, even a fire in the old cricket pavilion.
Industrial espionage
But I digress, Dear Reader; for now we must re-join our hero, who is discussing lights with his team…
“Trouble is, James, we have no reliable way of showing who’s using what,” said Elly Steadfast, his accomplished assistant.
“I know, I know. But we’re wasting money. And why are our water bills so high? Look at this bill – we can’t be using that much!”
“Well, what we need is to change behaviours,” observed Sam Wisely, the Estates Manager.
“And how do you suggest we do that?”
They were interrupted by a knock on the door. It was Softly-Softly, the Bursar’s PA.
“Excuse me James. The Head wants to see you – right away.”
Punch walked into the Head’s office.
“Morning James.”
“Morning Judy. How was the conference?”
“Very useful. But I felt rather exposed in the seminar on climate issues and so-called eco measures. Needless to say, Snickers was spouting endlessly about all their latest initiatives. God knows how he infuriates me. They are even talking about building a wind farm.”
“Unaffordable…”
“And I jotted down all the other topics he said they were investigating. Here – it seems more like a coded message to me… what the hell does it all mean? I’m worried, James, very worried. I think he’s up to something and I don’t like it.”
Punch looked at the note. PVs, VO, VR, ASHP, GSHP, PO, BMS, HMS, BM. Instinctively he quickly committed every detail to memory, using the memory-house method he’d learnt during his ‘hush-hush’ years.
“Any sixth former could tell you what these mean”, he thought – but did not say – as he handed the note back to the Head, quietly swallowing his frustration that his leader seemed never to listen.
At this stage I should point out, Dear Reader, that a fierce rivalry existed between the Headmistress of Fandangle Hall and Mr Snick, the Headmaster of Grimoulding Towers, another independent school a few miles away. No force on earth could persuade either individual to co-operate with the other, because both schools recruited pupils from the same age-group. It was party-politics through and through, to the point of mutually-assured destruction. The two bursars, pragmatic to the last, regularly helped each other out: but this all had to be done in a somewhat cloak-and-dagger fashion, as the higher command intent was clear – thou shalt not help thine rivals in business. The situation was made even worse given that the two Heads were old school rivals. It was indeed a tangled web of suspicion and friction in which our hero operated. Did I mention inexhaustible patience and diplomacy in my list of the typical attributes of any bursar? I should have done.
Green light to safe cash
“These are ‘green’ technologies,” Punch said. “The Bursary is currently assessing the respective merits of all these, and several others. I’ve agreed with the ISBA to write a summary of the pros and cons of each, for publication in the Bursars’ Review – you know – The practical application of innovative technologies in a time of austerity and all that. The Review is avidly read by school management teams, so it would be a helpful contribution. These technologies, used judiciously, could save us all a good 15-20 percent of our running costs. But you do need to know which ones are right for your school…”
“I forbid it!”
“What?”
“I forbid you to send anything to the ISBA. The information could fall into the wrong hands. I’ve no doubt they get a copy at Grimoulding.”
“Yes, but…”
“Out of the question, then. Now, what’s the latest on the fire?”
Punch knew there was a time for every argument, and this was not one of them – he’d return to the green technologies later.
“We’ve alerted the Police. I’m expecting a call back any minute. I imagine they’ll send DI Lightning.”
Punch noticed that she blushed at the mention of the name. Curious. But he continued, banishing the momentary thought.
“Not sure what chance there is of catching the culprit – there’s been a spate of incidents recently and no leads yet. Grimoulding Towers also had a visit last week.”
“No doubt it’s just a cover. That’s exactly what I’d do if I wanted to divert suspicion.”
“You probably would” he thought – but did not say.
“On your way out, could you fix a time with Moneypoundland to brief me and the leadership on those green technologies. And if we are going to do these ‘green’ things, which I think is good for education actually, how on earth are we going to afford them? I’m also looking forward to discussing your plans for raising money for the new Science block. It all seems a bit mutually exclusive to me!”
Punch sensed that the meeting was over.
A step ahead
Moneypoundland beamed as Punch emerged from the Head’s office.
“I need to…” he started.
“Yes I know, James. It’s already in the diary for next Tuesday.”
“How did you…?
“Women’s intuition. And James…”
“Yes?”
“I’ve got two tickets for Les Miz this Friday. Will you come? It’ll be fun.”
“Sorry Penny, but I’ve got to do the charity soup-kitchen this weekend. Maybe another time,” he added, trying to let her down gently as he noticed the look of utter disappointment on her face. “Now, I must get a move on. I’ve got a villain to catch; a planet to save; and a school to manage.”
“Oh James”, she sighed. “You are…you are… every inch the perfect bursar.”
But he was already gone, into the night; (it had been a long meeting)…
Later, back at his cottage, Punch poured himself a Heineken (not shaken, not stirred – he had a very steady hand), opened his iPad, and went on-line to Wikibursar. Wiki-B was always a good place to start any research, being thoroughly logical, even if somewhat irreverent about the Establishment, and just a touch patronising in tone. He opened it at Raising Money for a New Science Block…
The serious bit
Raising money for a new science block and saving money on existing expenditure are two sides of the same coin. And both are easier said than done.
He scrolled on to the next section…
Saving money. There are two ways to save money. You can shop more carefully, so that you pay less for the same service. And you can shop less often, by reducing consumption.
Reducing consumption. There are two ways to reduce consumption. The first and easiest, because it only costs money, is to install so-called green technologies. Contrary to popular opinion, green technologies and saving money are not mutually exclusive, precisely because the green technologies reduce consumption.
‘None of this is rocket-science,’ thought Punch.
The problem is that you have to find money upfront, (unless you can use the Green Deal Golden Rule). The other, even bigger problem is that green technologies can only achieve so much, and after that, if you still want to save more money – for example, because the Head of Science is very ambitious and wants an even bigger Science block – then you need to do the second thing – changing behaviours.
Changing behaviours. Changing behaviours is incredibly difficult. This is illustrated by teenage daughters, who profess that they are very keen to save the planet and cuddly animals like pandas (who are too obtuse to save themselves by mating more readily) yet at the same time never switch the light off when they leave the room. Similarly, although teenage sons show no apparent interest in pandas or saving the planet, they will stand for hours under the shower after games, even to the extent of importing a chair so that they can stay under longer and more comfortably. What you need to do is get the youngsters involved and make them the eco-champions. You also need to be able to measure your progress, by monitoring consumption.
Monitoring consumption. There are two ways to monitor consumption. You can employ someone long-suffering to stand at a strategic spot, armed with a stopwatch and notebook, or you can use monitoring systems. Monitoring systems are probably cheaper, when you factor in salary, pension, time off for eye-tests and repetitive strain injury, coffee breaks and…
But Punch was interrupted by the phone. It was Softly-Softly.
“James, you’ve got to come to the school. Something awful has happened!”
To be continued…
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